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Coach Carlene

Fall is your listening season. It’s your time to listen to the feedback from those around you and more importantly to listen to your intuition so you can know how to come through for the next year!

It’s your time to show up for yourself and accomplish the things you set out to do this year.

Finishing the year strong means pushing yourself past the finish line even when other people are doubting you. And especially if YOU are doubting YOU! It means running that extra lap even when you know you’ve done the work. Whether you are an entrepreneur, work 9-5 or are someone who wants to have more flow in your life, there are things you can do to set yourself up for success.

With only a few months left in the year, prioritizing is the most impactful exercise you can do for yourself. You must be realistic. There’s a good chance you won’t get everything done. And that is okay! When you focus on the most important and impactful things, you will end the year feeling accomplished and energized.

Before you dive in and start prioritizing, it’s important to understand the 7 Reasons Why We Struggle to Prioritize:
  1. We tend to suffer from FOMO (Fear of missing out). We think that if we’re not involved in everything that somehow, we are going to miss out on something. There is beauty in missing out! Missing out allows you to be more present on the things that matter most.
  2. We don’t like to let people down. Remember, if you give away all your time, you won’t have any time left to pursue your goals. Letting people down from time-to-time is something that must happen! It is the price of entry for growing into who you’re meant to be.
  3. We don’t have confidence in ourselves. We tend to struggle with prioritizing things that we could change the world with because we don’t believe in ourselves. Step out of your comfort zone, try something new, and prove to yourself that you can go beyond what you believe is possible. You are capable of more than you think!
  4. We don’t have a clear WHY. Ever feel like you’re moving through your day like a robot? You’re productive and getting stuff done but you’re bored and doing it all half-hearted? When you understand WHY doing these things are important or not so important to YOU it naturally finds its place in your list of priorities, or not.
  5. We don’t have clear goals. It’s not enough to say that you want to get better. Get specific! Articulate what “better” means so that you can create smaller goals to hit along the way.
  6. We get stuck in the stuff of life. If we think that everything is important, then nothing is important. We must release ourselves from the things that aren’t aligned with our goals and who we are.
  7. We don’t take a driver’s seat where our priorities are concerned. If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will. Their needs will fill your calendar at the expense of your self-care! Don’t lose sight of what’s important. Prioritize it. Be comfortable deciding that prioritizing yourself is more important than keeping everyone else happy!
How to Prioritize Over the Next 2-3 Months:
  1. Focus on what matters to you. Don’t get caught up in other people’s priorities for you. Everyone else in your life believes they know what you need most. But what if they are wrong? Be clear on who you want to be on January 1, 2022. Your priorities might look different than what others think they should be.
  2. Consider the trade-off. Before saying yes to anything, understand that saying yes comes at the expense of saying NO to something else that potentially matters more to you.
  3. Evaluate the impact. Think about everything you are juggling as glass balls and plastic balls. Which of the things on your plate are glass and will shatter when dropped? Which ones are plastic and would bounce back if they fell? Prioritize the glass!
  4. Ask yourself more questions. If I say yes, will I regret it later? Is this thing in line with my WHY? Make sure everything you say yes to acts as a catalyst to what you are trying to achieve in life. Otherwise, it is only going to set you back. Be clear on what you stand for!
  5. Just say NO. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify anything! If someone else doesn’t understand, most of the time that is their issue. Boundaries are important!
  6. Listen to your gut. Give yourself a chance to pull away from the media, the obligations, and all the noise in your life so you can hear yourself clearly. Your intuition exists and is only ever compromised when you allow external things to drown it out.
  7. Check and Re-Check your CAPACITY. You’re going to go through different things at different times of your life, each requiring you to establish a new or adjusted set of priorities. This could change month-by-month. It’s critical that you have grace for the circumstances happening in your life and that you can adapt accordingly!
  8. CELEBRATE yourself. Certain days are going to be harder than others. If you are showing up for yourself, doing the work and trying as best as you can, that is worthy of celebration. You have chosen growth. Give yourself grace and don’t forget to celebrate yourself!

Looking to find your WHY and stop doubting yourself? Grab your free guide:
The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

Oh, so many of us prioritize our tasks according to the needs of others. So often, there are underlying people-pleasing tendencies. At the end of the day, we think we’ve made everyone else happy, but they may not have even noticed.

Add to that the frustration of not getting the things done that we really needed to get done, it’s no wonder we beat ourselves up at the end of the day.  

You started the day with the best of intentions and then life happens. Emails marked urgent (and they really are NOT urgent) flood your inbox. Someone calls or drops in your office to vent. Someone on your team didn’t follow-through on something so you tell yourself it’s easier if I do it myself.

Can you relate?

Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.

Paul J. Meyer

This doesn’t only happen at work, but it happens in our personal lives, too, with limited time spent on activities that are actually important and more energy spent being “busy.”

Sometimes, we fall into productive procrastination mode. This is when you convince yourself that because you’re busy doing something, it’s ok that you’re not doing the thing that is most critical at that time. 

It is in these moments that it’s critical to have a system in place to help you decide what is the best use of your time.

By implementing a prioritization system, you can drastically change the arc of your workday to really make the most of your time at work and at home. 

Step 1: Identify your to-do’s.

Step 2: Run each of the tasks through the 3 categories of questions or filters, Impact, Time, and Consequences

Impact Filters

  • Why is this important?
  • What do I want the outcome to be?
  • What’s the impact if this task is completed?
  • What is the larger goal I’ll be making progress on by completing this task?
  • Is this a must-do or nice-to-do?

Time Filters

  • Do I have the capacity for this? (time, energy)
  • What’s the deadline?
  • Does this NEED to be done NOW?
  • Is this the best use of my time?

Consequence Filters

  • What won’t get done if I focus on this?
  • What’s the penalty or fall-out if I don’t do it?
  • Will anyone notice if it doesn’t get done?

Step 3: After you’ve put your tasks through these filters, put those tasks that need to be worked on this week into your planner. Schedule the day and time you’re going to do the task. YOU MUST SCHEDULE IT!

Step 4: For those tasks that did not make the cut, do not keep them on your current to-do list. Your to-do list get cluttered with the nice-to-do’s and tasks that are not important right now. Then you look at that long list and it looks like you got nothing done. From there, the self-doubt and self-bullying chatter in your head starts. Instead, add these tasks to a NOT NOW LIST. You don’t want to lose sight of these things. 

Step 5: Tomorrow, or next week pull out your NOT NOW LIST and take them through the filters again. If they stay on your NOT NOW LIST week after week, ask yourself why this task is even on your list. If you can’t answer that, delete it.

Remember, the purpose of prioritization is to spend time working on the important tasks, those things that will make a difference in the long run and move you in the right direction. When prioritization is handled well, you’ll feel less reactive and more focused and intentional.

The aim is to complete work that signifies true progress, and let all the rest, all the “busyness” and “people-pleasing”, fall to the wayside. 

If you like to know how to feel more confident, grab your free guide here.

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

We need to break the comparison cycle because it’s a game we’ll never win. Comparison steals our joy, our paychecks and our sanity. If we don’t stop comparing ourselves to others, we will constantly spend money and mental energy just trying to keep up!  

There’s actually a biological reason we’re prone to comparing ourselves to others. Our brain uses comparison to figure out how we measure up to other people.

Thomas Mussweiler, a professor of organizational behavior, describes comparison this way:

“It’s one of the most basic ways we develop an understanding of who we are, what we’re good at, and what we’re not so good at.”

Most of the time, this calculation is made in a split second in the background, and we don’t even realize it. But when we dwell on the highlights of other people’s lives, it can quickly become toxic. We’re wired for connection and belonging, but if we constantly compare ourselves to others, we’re putting our happiness, confidence and mental health at risk.

Comparison costs us:

  • Causing us to lose focus and takes our eyes off our goals.
  • Makes us feel bad about how we’re doing. It diminishes our accomplishments.
  • Fuels emotions of depression and anxiety, draining us of our mental strength to do our best.
  • Stops us from taking action. We hide. We avoid.
  • Creates negative and anxious thoughts that are hard to come out of -AKA ruminations
  • Causes us to overspend in an effort to keep up with the Joneses

When we compare ourselves to others, we make bad decisions, or decisions that don’t necessarily serve us. We will never be able to stop comparing ourselves to other people. But we can decide if want to use these comparisons to better ourselves and move forward or bash ourselves and stay stuck.

Here are 6 Practical Ways to Get Out of the Comparison Trap.

1. Let Jealousy and envy GUIDE you. 

They’re pointing you in the right direction. 

Ever get jealous when you see someone else succeed? I know I do. It’s normal to have those feelings, but it’s what you do with them that can CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

The next time you feel JEALOUS, do this: (This reframe is a game-changer)

  • Lean into the feeling. It’s your soul telling you, “This is the kind of success YOU want for yourself.” See it as a sign that IT’S POSSIBLE for you to experience the same success.
  • Don’t shrink when someone else does something similar to what you want to do. Instead RISE and figure it out!
  • Instead of comparing, start looking at people who have what you want and ADMIRE them. Be INSPIRED by them. Teach yourself how to use that as motivation and inspiration instead of a reason to bash yourself. Let it amplify your ability to see and admire your own accomplishments, traits, goals and dreams.

2. Ask yourself what you can learn

So the next time you’re tempted to think someone else is better than you, reframe the way you’re thinking about the situation. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I admire about this person or their work?
  • What information does that person have that could be helpful to me?
  • How can I make what they do better? Or How can put my own mark on this shared thing we both do?
  • What would I ask this person if I could talk to them?
  • Stay curious. Look for opportunities to learn and you’ll start to see that other people aren’t necessarily better than you.

3. Embrace an Infinite vs Finite Mindset

It took me a long time to truly embrace the idea that there is enough success for all of us. The world is an enormous place, and there is room for everyone to succeed, be happy, and pursue their dreams. 

This is what we call an infinite mindset. It embraces abundance. 

When you are jealous of others and see them as someone you have to be better than, you are using a finite mindset. This mindset tells you that there’s not enough room for everyone to be successful. It’s a mindset of scarcity, limiting our possibilities.

When you embrace an infinite mindset, you stop looking at everyone around you as competition. You know that just because they are successful it doesn’t mean you can’t be. Just because they are beautiful doesn’t mean you are not. Just because they have what you want doesn’t mean you can’t have it.

4. Cheer for other people (AKA shift from a finite to an infinite mindset) 

I have seen first-hand that the more you cheer for other people, the faster that success and happiness will come to you. Constantly comparing ourselves to others leads to us not cheering on the people who are working hard to get somewhere. And it makes it hard to celebrate with the ones who’ve accomplished something!

So, here’s my challenge to you: When a friend tells you about her new job, be happy for her. If someone buys a new house, take part in their enthusiasm. If someone shares some great news with you, keep the focus on them instead of turning it back to yourself. Find big and small ways to celebrate other people’s accomplishments!

Their success has nothing to do with you, so celebrate their success sincerely while you keep working toward your own success.

5. Learn to compete with yourself instead of others. 

The only person you should compare yourself with is the person you were yesterday.

You have so much self-doubt that you see other people as competition. The only competition is the one that you create in your mind. It is impossible to not compare yourself to other people. 

Instead of focusing on where you are compared to others, focus on your own goals. Where are you compared to where you were at this time last year? Or five years ago?

In the past year, you’ve learned, stretched, improved, accomplished and created. Think about how much of that you’ve done in your lifetime! 

6. Unlock the power of contentment. 

Gratitude leads to contentment, which allows you to be in a state of joy and satisfaction no matter what your circumstances. Having a daily gratitude ritual through journaling, a gratitude jar, or something else will lead you to a place of knowing you are happy with where you are in life and aren’t worried about what other people are doing.

Contentment doesn’t mean you don’t have goals for the future or that you aren’t working toward being a better person tomorrow than you are today. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’re stagnant or that you’re choosing to sit around and do nothing new, exciting and challenging with your life. 

It just means that you develop a peace about your life and a sincere enjoyment about what you have today without basing all your happiness on what you hope to achieve tomorrow.

Your next step.

It’s easy to look at what everyone else is doing and achieving and think, “I’m not good enough, I should be doing more, I’m not ready, I don’t have enough, I’m failing.”

But you have no idea where other people’s starting lines were or where their finish line will be.

And you are not behind. You are exactly where you need to be. You’re not falling behind in life. There’s no one to be behind because there isn’t a race to begin with. 

Decide that today is the day you start to put in the work, show up as yourself, have the courage to pursue the things that scare the crap out of you, and stop worrying about what others are doing.  

Looking for more ways to build your confidence?

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The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

I once heard a powerful line that always stuck with me:

There is NOTHING you can do to either increase OR decrease your worthiness as a human.

No amount of success, money in your account, or Instagram following will make you more worthy! AND no amount of failure, missed job promotions, or unprofitable ventures will take away from your value. You are good enough, you are valuable, and you are so worthy!

It’s BECAUSE you are worthy, you’re able to accomplish and enjoy wonderful things and shine your light into the world.

I see the sense of “unworthiness” play into so many people’s lives. We are taught to believe that we have to earn everything, and if we don’t get what we are truly after, it’s because we aren’t “enough.”

Can you relate? This is an insane, vicious cycle that ultimately leads us to self-loathing, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, apathy, and sadness.

The truth about unworthiness is that it simply isn’t real. There are no qualities or characteristics about you that exclude you from any said things that you desire in life. It’s simply a limited way of thinking, which excuses you from really putting both feet forward and going for what you want in life.

I believe we tend to fall into unworthiness as a way to bypass some of the major feelings that we have about ourselves, mostly our inability to really love ourselves. Think about it, if we loved ourselves in a full and complete way, we would always think that we could live the life and have the things that we deeply want, right?

Your ability to achieve your desires has nothing to do with your worthiness and everything to do with your thoughts, actions, and beliefs.

I encourage you to start the journey of banishing any unworthy sentiments you have about yourself. You were given this exact life for a reason. None of it has anything to do with whether you were worthy of it or not.

We all have the capability to do the things we want to do, to be the people we want to be, and to create the lives we wish to live. However, it starts with us, and cleaning up the way we think about ourselves.

There is NOTHING you can do to either increase OR decrease your worthiness as a human.

It’s time to sit down and list all the things that make you feel less than, or unworthy. 

I am not unworthy because…

  • I hear others make more money than me,
  •  I fail,
  • I quit the thing that was no longer serving me,
  • I’m having tech issues
  • Someone says something mean to me
  • Someone gives me advice on how to do better

Keep this list on your phone or post it on your mirror or fridge to remind yourself that situations and outcomes do not determine your worthiness. 

I hope this practice helps you release any of the feelings that might be holding you back from the things you truly desire in life. I want you to know that you are worthy of your authentic dreams, desires and goals, and that it is possible for you. Please remember this, always.

Wondering how to build more confidence?

Grab your free confidence guide here. 

The voices in our head ring so loudly. We hold on to the times when someone discounted our worth or criticized us. What would it be like to show up boldly instead of shrinking? How many opportunities, connections and moments of peace have passed us by because of our self-sabotaging thoughts? 

Does this sound familiar?

“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m never going to reach my goal.”
“I am not enough.”
“It’s not possible for me.”

These thoughts and beliefs are not based in fact; but fear, hurt or trauma. Sadly, we act on them as if they are true. Science has proven over and over again that what we think to be true will impact our actions.

What are we to do? 

Here are 4 strategies I use to stop those self-sabotaging conversations. 

First – journal & acknowledge where these thoughts are coming from. This is called root cause analysis.

Identify the self-sabotaging thought and then ask yourself at least 5 times:

Why am I thinking that? Answer
Then….Why am I thinking that? Answer
Then…Why am I thinking that? Answer  
Keep going until you get 5 answers deep. This will get you to the root of that thought. 

As you get to that root thought, you dig it up. It’s ok. There’s going to be a big hole where that negative root thought or belief lived. It’s important to back fill that hole with truth. “I am talented. I am a good person. I am worthy of being loved. I am deserving of this promotion.”

Replace those negative thoughts with empowered thoughts that are actually true. 

Second, stay in inspired action.

You’ve heard of the confidence competence loop. The more you do something, the better you become. When you first started riding a bike, you faltered and fell a few times. But you kept at it. The more you tried it, the better you got. And one day, you were able to ride successfully without falling, to the point that you now thoroughly enjoy riding the bike. This is the same competence confidence loop that you can employ in other areas of your life.

You need to start with one small step. Then you’ll say, “Ahhh, I actually can do this.” Repeat this and eventually you will be taking bigger steps. 

Doing anything new is going to be uncomfortable, so stop thinking it’s supposed to feel different. Reframe being uncomfortable by telling yourself, “I’m uncomfortable because I’m growing. I’m doing something new and exciting.”   

Third, write out & celebrate the small wins. 

What I’m talking about here are the baby steps that happen one by one and day by day. The incremental victories that are so small we often overlook them. 

It turns out that those little victories are a huge untapped source of motivation. Basically, it all comes down to something called “completion bias.” As humans, we are essentially hard-wired to get high off completion. 

What happens is that when your brain recognizes a task as complete, it releases dopamine, which makes you feel pleasure, which makes you want to repeat that behavior again and again. 

And what researchers have found is that this completion bias makes us predisposed to want to focus on quick, easy-to-finish tasks, as opposed to longer, more challenging, complex tasks. We like quick tasks because we like to get that little hit of completion, and we like to get it fast. 

Let’s say your goal is to write a book, then your metric might be words written per day Or, if you’re doing customer service, you’d write down the name of each person that you helped today on a post-it and stick them all up on the wall behind your computer. Track your wins, ESPECIALLY the small ones. 

Celebrate in a way that is meaningful and significant to you. Maybe use a win jar, where you keep thank you notes, write a compliment you got or a small win on a post it. Continue to remind yourself you are talented, worthy, skilled, and capable.

Fourth, get an accountability partner; someone you can share your wins with and who can hold you accountable to your goals and a healthy mindset.

Having a community to cheer you on is so valuable. The best way to create accountability is to take that promise you made to yourself about your goal and externalize it — so that you are not the only one invested in your success.

The fact of the matter is: humans are social animals. And the need to feel a connection to other people, and the need to feel a sense of belonging drives everything that we do. 

We don’t like to let people down. This is why people are more likely to run regularly if they join a running group, it’s why they’re more likely to lose weight if they join Weight Watchers, and it’s why they’re more likely to quit drinking if they join AA. 

It’s an incredibly powerful motivator for us when we feel like we will be celebrated when we achieve our goal. Or… let’s be honest, when we know we will feel guilty if we don’t achieve our goal. But we’re all driven by the desire to deliver on our promises to others. 

Don’t simply accept those self-sabotaging thoughts. You have control over them and how you choose to move forward. I know this sounds dramatic, but it’s true. If you follow these 4 strategies, you will change your life one baby step at a time. 

If left to simmer, fear turns to paralyzing self-doubt. There is the fear of not fitting in, of being ostracized, of disappointing others, of failure or even success. 

I’m here to tell you that a life that is exciting, joyful and meaningful, is on the other side of that fear.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I mean it. Really take some time to answer that question. 

And when you find your answers, go out and plan to do exactly what you are afraid of doing.

We allow ourselves to be caged in by fear, the tiger in our mind that keeps us within the boundaries of our comfort zone. But fear, like any other emotion is just a feeling. It’s not pleasant, but if you can lean into its discomfort, you will discover endless new possibilities for yourself.

Life is short. It truly is. This past year has been a painful reminder to all of us. You may think you have time. That there will be a day that you will not be scared, and then you’ll do it.

But here’s the thing, that day will not come. The only way you will stop being afraid and stop doubting yourself is by doing exactly what you are afraid of. Stop waiting.

Ask yourself, is what I’m scared of really that important? In the bigger picture of it all, does it really matter?

The answer is no. If you focus on “why” the thing you’re afraid to do is important, you get to choose. 

Why is it important for you to ask for a promotion & get a raise? 

To feed your family, to take vacations, to get out of debt? 

Are those things more important than your fear of your boss saying no? 

Remember it’s not about your fear. A mantra I use, when I’m stuck at this point of choice, is NAM – Not About Me. It’s not about me and my fears. It’s about taking care of my family. 

It’s a heavy weight to carry around living your life dictated by the limitations of the imagined fears in your head. 

It is not about the absence of fear, but a way of using the fear as a compass to guide you in the right direction, knowing that whatever comes your way, you’ll deal with it. 

If you’re scared of something, then it very likely is the one thing that you should be doing. And each and every time you do this, you grow in ways you never thought possible. 

If you really knew and understood your time here was limited, would that change your perspective on your fears? If you knew you only had another 5 years, would that change things? A year? A month? A week? 

We allow ourselves to hide under the comfortable blanket of certainty. But in the end, it won’t matter. It won’t matter that you failed at something. Get real. We all do. It comes with being human. It won’t matter that it took you longer than expected or that you didn’t do the best job of it, or that you never even succeeded.  

What matters is that you succeed in life. And with that I mean, that you tried, you learned, you grew, you lived, you loved, and in some way made a difference in someone’s day.

So what are you afraid of? And what step can you take to do exactly that? What challenge can you set for yourself, big or small?

If you like this, you’ll love this free guide.

Grab it now. It’ll help you find your “why”.

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence.

Now, if you’re a productivity fan, you love shortcuts, right? What if I told you, it’s not about all those quick get-it-done hacks? 

Today’s productivity advice (and the whole work ethic, for that matter) is missing an essential human component. It misses a person with a body, feelings and emotions at the center of the productivity system. 

Modern productivity and success advice is presented in a way that if anyone tries it, it will always work. If it doesn’t, then the person is probably lazy or lacks willpower. Nothing less is acceptable.

Soul crushing, right?

Here’s the secret. 

At the center of it all is “you”. All productivity, performance and success start with you. 

You may have all the motivation and all the best of intentions. Heck, you may even have a plan.

But if you don’t trust yourself, you can’t make decisions and you don’t believe you are capable.

You can’t count on yourself to do what you want and need to do. So you make excuses. You procrastinate. You start, but you don’t finish. Or you never start. 

It is simple. Who would have known?

It’s about trusting yourself.

It’s about trusting yourself to handle whatever shows up.

When you begin to really trust yourself, it’s all about you connecting with the real you, being able to trust yourself more and follow your own inner wisdom.

When you start to trust yourself, you see that you can drop all of the prepping to be perfect. There are so many ways you can save hundreds of hours every year once you trust yourself more.

That all sounds great, but how do we trust ourselves?

It’s called simple discipline.

Simple discipline is the practice of making and keeping promises to yourself.

Most of us struggle with consistency. We tell ourselves, “I didn’t do that thing before, why would this time be any different?” We give up before we ever get started because we don’t trust ourselves.
 
If we can keep promises to ourselves, then we can keep promises that we are making everywhere else in our lives. 

These promises are the foundation of our daily lives, which is the foundation for our goals and dreams. 

The only way to change the big things in your life is to change the small things first — your daily habits, your morning routine, your evening ritual and everything in between.

Here are some small promises my clients and I have made and kept. 
1. Make your bed.

2. Start each morning with a cup of tea or warm lemon water.

3. Don’t look at your phone until you are dressed and ready to start your day.

4. Stretch immediately after getting out of bed. (If you wake up anxious or overwhelmed, this helps move that through and out of your body.)

5. Review tomorrow’s calendar and to-do’s after dinner.
 
6. Lay out your work-out clothes the night before. (This will help with getting you to actually work-out!)

7. Do a 5-10 minute guided meditation before bed.

8. Write down one thing you’re grateful for before you go to bed.

Now it’s your turn.

Make one small promise to yourself that you will keep every single day. And, no, you won’t get it perfect. When you miss a day, give yourself grace, and start again tomorrow.

Remember, you’ve probably doubted yourself your entire life. Building self-trust isn’t a quick thing. Frequency and consistency of keeping small promises to yourself will speed it up.
 
Oh, did I mention, when you trust yourself, you build confidence? When you’re more confident you take action. When you take action you are more productive.

If you liked this, download your free guide: The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

Most of us dream our dreams and leave this world never having lived those dreams. I don’t know about you, but this year has taught me there is no time to waste in actively pursuing our dreams. 

Pursuing our dreams can be scary. It means we most likely have to go out of our comfort zone. It takes courage. 

What do you think courage is? 

When I ask this question, I get answers like; “It means being brave or fearless.” 

Here’s the truth about courage. 

Courage does not mean that you are NOT afraid. Quite the opposite. It’s the ability to take action when you feel afraid or uncertain. It’s taking action even when you are afraid. Courage is what will make you say yes to things in spite of your feelings about it. Confidence says, I know what I’m doing. Courage says, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’ll try anyway. 

As I was watching a video from Mel Robbins, it hit me why our dreams are never lived, left sitting quietly on the horizon. 

The dream is free and EASY. But the goals you need to achieve in order to live those dreams come at a cost; time, effort, money. Goals are HARD. We need courage to do hard things.

So what’s the difference between dreams and goals. 

Dreams: 

  1. Are really big, inspiring and motivating.
  2. Should be made public. You should talk about them. Research shows that when you talk about your dreams, you feel more inspired to go after them.
  3. Never have a timeline or an expiration date. None of this, “by the time I’m 30” stuff.
  4. Are EASY
    E- Energized: You should feel it in your body
    A-Aspirational: A dream is a hope or ambition that makes you feel bigger. You know? That you’re up to something bigger than the small stuff in your everyday life. 
    S-Spacious: When you think about this dream, there is something that expands. It could be in your spirituality, your physicality, your consciousness, your purpose or the impact you’re making, 
    Y-Yours:  Your dreams don’t have to make sense to anyone else. Dreams are easy because they are yours. Not someone else’s expectations. 

Goals: 

  1. Need to be made small so you can take action.
  2. Should be kept private. When you talk about your goals, you’ve tricked your brain into thinking you’ve already achieved something, which makes you less likely to work at it. This is new to me. But there’s science behind it. 
  3. Needs to have a deadline and be measured for completion. It creates urgency and importance in your mind in terms of getting them done. 
  4. Are HARD
    H – Habit: Something you’re going to do over and over until you achieve the goal.
    A-Action: Just thinking about the darn thing isn’t going to make it happen. Goals require focus and consistent action. 
    R- Reachable: Goals have to be realistic. You can’t lose 100 lbs in a week, but you could lose 3 lbs in a week. You have to believe it in order to go for it. 
    D- Do it anyway: Yes, even if it’s hard. You have to stay in action. 

We know a dream without a goal is just a dream. 

We also know, goals without a dream are not just HARD but EXTRAORDINARILY HARD! We need the motivation and inspiration of the dream to propel us forward.

If your dream isn’t motivation enough, you need to understand why this dream is important to you.

What are you afraid of in pursuit of this dream?

Fear of failure? Fear of rejection?

Fear of success?

What is so amazing about living this dream that is so much greater than your fear? 

When you find your why, you find your courage. You will pursue your dream even though you are afraid. You’ll know that living your dream is so much more powerful than living your fear. 

If you liked this, learn more about how to find your courage in my free guide:
The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It & Build Real Confidence

We are all ready for 2020 to be over. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Our first instinct is to write off this past year. It was full of loss, grief, challenges, and struggles. It was also full of new ideas, new connections, new ways of working, new ways of schooling, new ways of being and thinking.

We are all forever changed by 2020. What are you going to carry into 2021? If you’ve already jumped on the New Years band wagon of setting goals or God forbid made a New Years resolution, I urge you to take a step back.

First of all, resolutions don’t work. Don’t waste your time.

Start here and I’ll get you to the next step in my next article.

Deal?

Deal!

Great!

We all need goals. You can set them at any time. There is nothing magical about a new year. Every day is a new start.

The number one mistake we make when setting goals is we jump into the future. We make goals for the future without having looked at this past year. You have to take a moment to take a look back before you can look ahead.

You have to get grounded in the present moment. What are the mistakes you made? What are the lessons you learned? What were the things that were amazing?

If you don’t take a moment to assess where you’ve been, there is no way you’re going to set the right goals for the next year. Where are you right now? Start where you are.

Find a quiet spot to reflect and journal on these 8 questions.

TIP 1: Look back on photos from the past year. We have a cognitive bias to remember the bad stuff and forget the good. Look on your social media or camera roll and get a complete picture of your 2020.

TIP 2: Grab your calendar or planner. Thumb through it to remind yourself of commitments you kept, projects you worked on, people you connected with.

Here we go:

  1. What were the highlights of this year?
  2. What did you learn about yourself that surprised you?
  3. What was the hardest aspect of this year?
  4. What lesson(s) did you learn that you’re going to take into next year?
  5. What’s one thing that you’ll commit to NOT going back to?
  6. What’s one thing you started doing this year that you want to keep doing?
  7. In what ways are you stronger now than you were at the beginning of 2020? What wisdom are you bringing into next year?
  8. What are you most proud of that happened this year?
    BONUS QUESTION:
  9. What did you lose that turned out to be a blessing?

Once you have this clarity of where you are right now, you’ll know what you want your goals to be for next year.

Clarity is the first step to building confidence. Grab your free guide: The Habit of Self-Doubt; Crush it and Build Real Confidence

Are you haunted by the ghosts of unfinished goals? I never met an idea I didn’t like, so I know all about the excitement of starting and the difficulty of finishing. 

These secrets may seem counterintuitive, but I dare you to give them a try anyway. 

Secret #1: Cut Your Goal in Half

This is NOT about lowering your expectations. If your goal is to lose ten pounds and you only lose eight you don’t feel like you almost got there you feel like you failed by two and you give up. 

What if you cut the goal in half. If you’re goal was to lose 5 pounds and you lost 8, you are pumped and excited to keep going. After all, you beat your goal by 3 pounds.

According to a study of 900 people, it was found that people who cut their goals in half were 63% more successful in the long term. That’s insane. 

The problem is that people make their goal when their motivation is the highest. Motivation is the most temporary substance in the world. It leaves when the work shows up and you’ve got this massive goal. Cut your goal in half or break the goal into smaller pieces and the motivation becomes more permanent. 

If somebody said to me they wanted to write a book I wouldn’t tell them to write half a book. I would tell them to write a chapter, finish it, celebrate it, write a second chapter, finish it, celebrate it. 

Secret #2: Choose What to Bomb

In our culture we are taught you can do everything and you should do everything. 

Let’s say you’re a working mom. Today with social media you can compare yourself in 30 seconds to other moms and feel like a complete loser. 

The other mom is always holding hands with her husband, forming the shape of hearts, and #blessed, and their meals are mac and cheese but it’s glorified with a gouda demi glaze. 

You are making that sad bowl of Easy Mac for your kid and you’re tired of stirring. Your kid is like, “It’s really powdery,” and you’re like, “Life is hard.” You compare. 

One mom told me, “During a busy season, my kids know that clothes get clean but not folded and put away.” She has the laundry chair. If we’re all honest we all have a laundry chair. 

It’s your third machine. It goes washer, dryer, chair. I love that her kids can look at their clothes and see that they are wrinkled so mom must be busy. If there’s things you can’t ignore or that you suck at then delegate them. Ask for help. Simplify them. Figure them out for the season. 

You choose what you’re not going to worry about. 

Secret #3: Make It Fun

When you ask people to name the five words you think of when you think of a goal, they say, “Hustle, willpower, grind, strain, persistence,” they never say, “Joy, laughter, engagement, fulfillment.” 

A study of 900 people found that people who are deliberate about making something fun are 31% more satisfied, and they are 46% more successful.

If you only raise your satisfaction (fun) but not your performance (success) you are smiling all the way to last place. If you only raise your performance (success) but not your satisfaction (fun)then you will be a very rich, miserable person. 

We’ve all met people who are really successful and hate their lives. It’s because they over focus on performance and they never thought about satisfaction. 

There are a lot of unfun things you’re going to have to do. So, it’s not to have fun, it’s to make it fun. It’s about being deliberate to make sure that you find joy in the things that aren’t inherently fun. Give yourself a reward or some form of motivation that helps you finish what the thing actually is. 

Fun can mean whatever you want it to mean. You can be goofy and silly, and weird. Most importantly be deliberate about how you add joy to what you do. 

Secret #4: Get Rid of Your Secret Rules. 

A secret rule is essentially something you believed a long time ago that isn’t true and you still believe it. It’s shaping a lot of your life without you even knowing it. It’s a limiting belief. 

Maybe it was in the 8th grade a teacher told you you’re not a good public speaker. Even now as your company gives you chances to lead meetings and get visibility you tell them you aren’t good at it and you don’t do it. It’s because in 8th grade you accepted that as a tattoo. 

I had client who is an extremely talented artist, although she didn’t see it that way. She would shred every piece of artwork at the very end of creating it, because her rule was that it had to be perfect. I invited her to stop the shredding. After some more time of challenging her limiting beliefs, she did. Now she sells her art for hundreds of dollars. 

A couple questions to consider to get ‘er done!

What does your goal look like cut in half or broken into smaller pieces?

What other tasks priorities can you let go of or get support on, to make room for what’s most important to you?

What brings you joy. How can you bring it to your work to make it more fun?

What’s a secret rule or limiting belief that keeps you stuck?

If you liked this, download your free guide: How to Improve Your Focus and Get Stuff Done

Are you a people pleaser? Has being busy and stressed out become a badge of honor you wear every day? Do you struggle with saying “no” to someone or something? Are there particular people in your life where “yes” comes flying out of your mouth before you even stop to think about what you actually want?

Most of us have been there too because generally speaking saying yes is easy. Saying no, well, that takes a little more courage!

In reality, saying yes all the time to please others is actually incredibly fake, builds resentment, and is a complete disservice to those you are saying yes to, when really you want to say no.

For some saying no comes easier than others. Studies have shown, women suffer from this more-so than men. Many of my ADHD clients describe themselves as “people pleasers.” Fear of saying no is real. The best way to avoid these fears is simply to say yes.

When you can’t say no, do you:

  • Fear being rejected or thought poorly of by others
  • Worry that the other person won’t like you anymore or badmouth you
  • Hold a belief that you are being selfish if you say no
  • Fear conflict with others
  • Want to be “nice” and seen as someone who contributes selflessly to others (even if you resent saying yes and contributing!)
  • Attach your self-worth to how many things you do for others
  • Allow other people’s priorities to become your own priorities (for reasons above)
  • Let others start to get used to you saying yes all the time, making finding your no even more challenging.
We have mostly been trained from a very young age that saying no is wrong or not okay. How many times did your parents get angry at you if you said no to doing something? Did you get sent to your room or grounded? Many of us have been stripped of our permission to say no from very early on.

So it’s no wonder that many of us have lost the art of saying no. But it’s not all bad news, because saying no is just like a muscle that hasn’t been used in a while. You can still train it back into shape!

Here are some tips that will help get your “no”-muscle back into shape so that you can focus on what matters to you and start prioritizing what you want for your life.  Read More

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