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Coach Carlene

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The number one thing that keeps us stuck is our thoughts. We spend so much time being all busy up in our heads.

You know what you want. You have the skills and the know-how to do it. But you’re not doing it. Ugh. If only you could get out of your head.

Free yourself from those icky, sticky thoughts once and for all.

Here are 3 mindset shifts you must make to get yourself into action.

Mindset Shift #1: Imposter Syndrome

This is so normal. It’s so easy to feel like an imposter, especially if you spend any time on social media.

You feel like you don’t deserve to have that job.

You feel like you don’t deserve to live in that beautiful home.

You believe you have no idea what you’re doing. You believe you only got where you are by sheer luck.

You live in fear that someone is going to call you out and expose you as being a fraud. 

What a heavy weight to carry.

Here’s a little harsh secret. Sorry, not sorry.  Nobody cares. Nobody is paying attention to you. People are so busy with their own stuff. It’s natural to feel like all eyes are on you, but they aren’t. 

“Focus less on the impression you’re making on others and more on the impression you’re making on yourself.” 

-Amy Cuddy

Make the shift:

  • Acknowledge your credibility and success.
  • Be aware of the stories you’re telling yourself. “Ask would Judge Judy or a court of law say these thoughts are fact?” Nope.
  • Get out of your head and into your heart. Let your why be bigger than your worry or fear. Why is this thing you want to do important to you? Find it, find several why’s. Play those why soundtracks over and over in your head to silence your worries and fears.
  • Keep showing up.

Mindset Shift #2: Dabbling instead of going all in because you’re scared.

Are you a learner? I am. I could take courses and research something to death all the while convincing myself that going down these rabbit holes is necessary. But it’s not. It’s called procrastination or info-crastination. Can you relate? 

“Trying” to do something isn’t going all in. It’s dabbling. You can’t try to start a business. You have to start a business. You can’t hide behind having to learn everything before you can start. 

You have to do whatever it is scared. It’s called courage.

Playing full-out makes you fully present.

Make the shift:

  • Go all in no matter how scared you are.
  • Playing small only delays your inevitable success.
  • Give the thing you want to do the attention and respect it deserves. 

“There is an amazing version of you, you haven’t met yet. Keep showing up.”

Unknown

Mindset Shift #3: Perfectionism

This gets in the way of you making decisions. It’s the death of doing what you want to do.

Alyssa, a budding entrepreneur suffered from perfectionism.

“The problem was, I wanted my emails to look and sound perfect. I wanted my website to be perfect. I didn’t even know what perfect meant. I wasn’t finding it and I wasn’t getting my products out to people.”

I hear this over and over. You must be willing to be imperfect.

Make the shift:

  • Give yourself permission to do B+ work
  • Putting yourself out there imperfectly is better than NOT putting yourself out there at all.
  • You can only learn how to do better by doing.
  • Go back to your why. What’s greater than your need to be perfect?

You don’t have to stay stuck. 

You are in charge of your thoughts.

You are in charge of how you talk to yourself.

Be kind. Be imperfect.

Impress yourself. Go all in.

Curious how self-doubt keeps you trapped? Take the quiz here!

“I’m a slacker if I’m not constantly accomplishing something. I’m afraid others will think I’m lazy. I need to do more, faster.”

This belief that we MUST be uber productive to be worthy is killing our confidence and our ability to get stuff done. 

Acting with the idea that “more is always better, so I need to do more” contributes to:

  • Anxiety: “How will I ever get where I want to?”
  • A mindset of scarcity and impatience: “I’m not doing enough”
  • Fear: “If I don’t create what I want here, then I won’t be okay in life.”
  • A scattered mind: “So much to do, so little time!”

The counterintuitive solution to productivity may lie in the very thing we fear will impede it: slowing down.

The benefits of slowing down are numerous. Research has found that when we’re idle, we allow our minds to wander. And that daydreaming makes us more creative and better at problem-solving.

Slowing down is a great productivity tool. When our energy is depleted, we can’t possibly be as productive because we’ll be out of fuel to burn. 

Doing more isn’t always better. If you want to make more progress, start by slowing down.

If slowing down is so important, why don’t we do it more often? Why isn’t “mindful and slow” our default state?

There’s something attractive about the idea that hard work can solve all your problems. It’s simple and gives you a clear path forward. To be fair, it’s rooted in a gem of truth: action begets results.

But it’s not the whole story.How you do something matters just as much as the fact that you do it.

The goal of slowing down isn’t to go slower. It’s about moving forward in the most effective way.

The following 8 approaches to slowing down work well together, but this isn’t a fixed sequence. Treat them as options to experiment with.

8 Ways to Slow Down and Get Better Results

  1. Physically slow down. Changing your physical body is a great way to shift your psychology. Start by sitting still. Put your devices away. Breathe deeply for a few minutes. Sit in meditation. Go for a walk outside. Anywhere from 5-20 minutes can create a profound shift.
  2. Get out of your head and into your body: Re-ground yourself by directing your attention towards the physical sensations in your body. Observe how the sensations ebb, flow, and change over time. By noticing what’s there without judgment, you can stay more intentional.
  3. Recall the nature of your thoughts: The thoughts crossing your mind are just thoughts, not universal truths. Think of them as suggestions, or possibilities. Question them. Is this thought actually true?
  4. Consider alternate paths forward: What do you want here? How have you been approaching it? What are some different ways you could approach it?
  5. Set a new intention: Having slowed down and considered your approach, what do you want to do now? In the bigpicture, what’s most important?
  6. Write about it: Thoughts move quickly in the mind. And if you’ve got a fast ADHD brain, thoughts zip through before you can catch them. Getting them down on paper slows things down so you can see them more clearly. Grab a pen and some paper and write thoughts as they surface in your mind. (Without judging them or needing to do something about it.)
  7. Prime yourself for quality action: Before acting, consider: “What would it look like to move forward in the best way?” For me, this often involves taking a break to shift my state by exercising, having some tea, or switching my physical location, as examples. Creating a deliberate shift, even a small one, helps with letting go of the previous approach, and orienting to your new intention.
  8. Treat it as an experiment: It can be intimidating to try new approaches. Instead of worrying about what will happen if it doesn’t work, treat it as an experiment. You’ll never know what will happen unless you give it a go!

It’s important to note that slowing down is NOT about making things perfect. Instead, it’s about improving your effectiveness, even by a little bit.

Most importantly, celebrate every tiny win at the end of the day. Congratulate yourself for slowing down. 

Have you snatched up your free guide?

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

Oh, so many of us prioritize our tasks according to the needs of others. So often, there are underlying people-pleasing tendencies. At the end of the day, we think we’ve made everyone else happy, but they may not have even noticed.

Add to that the frustration of not getting the things done that we really needed to get done, it’s no wonder we beat ourselves up at the end of the day.  

You started the day with the best of intentions and then life happens. Emails marked urgent (and they really are NOT urgent) flood your inbox. Someone calls or drops in your office to vent. Someone on your team didn’t follow-through on something so you tell yourself it’s easier if I do it myself.

Can you relate?

Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.

Paul J. Meyer

This doesn’t only happen at work, but it happens in our personal lives, too, with limited time spent on activities that are actually important and more energy spent being “busy.”

Sometimes, we fall into productive procrastination mode. This is when you convince yourself that because you’re busy doing something, it’s ok that you’re not doing the thing that is most critical at that time. 

It is in these moments that it’s critical to have a system in place to help you decide what is the best use of your time.

By implementing a prioritization system, you can drastically change the arc of your workday to really make the most of your time at work and at home. 

Step 1: Identify your to-do’s.

Step 2: Run each of the tasks through the 3 categories of questions or filters, Impact, Time, and Consequences

Impact Filters

  • Why is this important?
  • What do I want the outcome to be?
  • What’s the impact if this task is completed?
  • What is the larger goal I’ll be making progress on by completing this task?
  • Is this a must-do or nice-to-do?

Time Filters

  • Do I have the capacity for this? (time, energy)
  • What’s the deadline?
  • Does this NEED to be done NOW?
  • Is this the best use of my time?

Consequence Filters

  • What won’t get done if I focus on this?
  • What’s the penalty or fall-out if I don’t do it?
  • Will anyone notice if it doesn’t get done?

Step 3: After you’ve put your tasks through these filters, put those tasks that need to be worked on this week into your planner. Schedule the day and time you’re going to do the task. YOU MUST SCHEDULE IT!

Step 4: For those tasks that did not make the cut, do not keep them on your current to-do list. Your to-do list get cluttered with the nice-to-do’s and tasks that are not important right now. Then you look at that long list and it looks like you got nothing done. From there, the self-doubt and self-bullying chatter in your head starts. Instead, add these tasks to a NOT NOW LIST. You don’t want to lose sight of these things. 

Step 5: Tomorrow, or next week pull out your NOT NOW LIST and take them through the filters again. If they stay on your NOT NOW LIST week after week, ask yourself why this task is even on your list. If you can’t answer that, delete it.

Remember, the purpose of prioritization is to spend time working on the important tasks, those things that will make a difference in the long run and move you in the right direction. When prioritization is handled well, you’ll feel less reactive and more focused and intentional.

The aim is to complete work that signifies true progress, and let all the rest, all the “busyness” and “people-pleasing”, fall to the wayside. 

If you like to know how to feel more confident, grab your free guide here.

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

Thinking about doing something is not the same as doing it.
Everyone overthinks sometimes.

It’s hard to recognize the spiral of overthinking when you’re caught in the middle of it. In fact, your brain might try to convince you that worrying, and ruminating is somehow helpful.

After all, won’t you develop a better solution or prevent yourself from making the same mistake if you spend more time thinking? Not necessarily.

In fact, the opposite is often true. Analysis paralysis is a real problem. The more you think, the worse you feel. And your feelings of misery, anxiety, or anger may cloud your judgment and prevent you from taking positive action.

If you have ADHD, the overthinking can be more intense and more frequent. People often tell me, “I can’t relax. It’s like my brain won’t shut off,” or “I can’t stop thinking about how my life could have been better if I’d done things differently.”

Two Forms of Overthinking

Overthinking comes in two forms: ruminating about the past and worrying about the future.

It’s different than problem-solving. Problem-solving involves thinking about a solution. Overthinking involves dwelling on the problem.

Overthinking is also different than self-reflection. Healthy self-reflection is about learning something about yourself or gaining a new perspective about a situation. It’s purposeful.

Overthinking involves dwelling on how bad you feel and thinking about all the things you have no control over. It won’t help you develop new insight.

The difference between problem-solving, self-reflection, and overthinking isn’t about the amount of time you spend in deep thought. Time spent developing creative solutions or learning from your behavior is productive. But time spent overthinking, whether it’s 10 minutes or 10 hours, won’t enhance your life.

When you become more aware of your tendency to overthink things, you can take steps to change. But first, you have to recognize that overthinking does more harm than good.

Sometimes, people think that their overthinking somehow prevents bad things from happening. But, the research is pretty clear–overthinking is bad for you and it does nothing to prevent or solve problems.

Here are 10 signs that you’re an overthinker.

  1. I relive embarrassing moments in my head repeatedly.
  2. I have trouble sleeping because it feels like my brain won’t shut off.
  3. I ask myself a lot of “what if…” questions.
  4. I spend a lot of time thinking about the hidden meaning in things people say or events that happen.
  5. I rehash conversations I had with people in my mind and think about all the things I wished I had or hadn’t said.
  6. I constantly relive my mistakes.
  7. When someone says or acts in a way I don’t like, I keep replaying it in my mind.
  8. Sometimes I’m not aware of what’s going on around me because I’m dwelling on things that happened in the past or worrying about things that might happen in the future.
  9. I spend a lot of time worrying about things I have no control over.
  10. I can’t get my mind off my worries.

Here’s How to Stop the Spiral 

If you know that you get caught up in overthinking, don’t despair. You can take steps to reclaim your time, energy, and brain power.

This is the tool I share with all my overthinkers in coaching. It works!

Mel Robbins created the best tool you can use to break your habit of overthinking and start taking action called the 5 Second Rule. 

Here’s how you use it: the next time you catch yourself spinning in circles, procrastinating, obsessing over every detail, worrying about something that doesn’t matter, fixating on making it perfect, reflecting, ticking off excuses – interrupt that garbage and take control.

Count: 5-4-3-2-1 and MOVE. 

Counting backwards requires your mind to focus. As soon as you start counting, your brain switches from autopilot mode (where your overthinking habit runs on a loop) to the prefrontal part of your brain that focuses on counting down from five. It gives you immediate control over what you think and do next.

It’s a little trick that works for millions of people and it’s backed by tremendous research.

Try it and let me know how it works. And, seriously, grab Mel Robbins book The 5 Second Rule.

If you liked this, grab your free guide:

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush it and Build Real Confidence

We need to break the comparison cycle because it’s a game we’ll never win. Comparison steals our joy, our paychecks and our sanity. If we don’t stop comparing ourselves to others, we will constantly spend money and mental energy just trying to keep up!  

There’s actually a biological reason we’re prone to comparing ourselves to others. Our brain uses comparison to figure out how we measure up to other people.

Thomas Mussweiler, a professor of organizational behavior, describes comparison this way:

“It’s one of the most basic ways we develop an understanding of who we are, what we’re good at, and what we’re not so good at.”

Most of the time, this calculation is made in a split second in the background, and we don’t even realize it. But when we dwell on the highlights of other people’s lives, it can quickly become toxic. We’re wired for connection and belonging, but if we constantly compare ourselves to others, we’re putting our happiness, confidence and mental health at risk.

Comparison costs us:

  • Causing us to lose focus and takes our eyes off our goals.
  • Makes us feel bad about how we’re doing. It diminishes our accomplishments.
  • Fuels emotions of depression and anxiety, draining us of our mental strength to do our best.
  • Stops us from taking action. We hide. We avoid.
  • Creates negative and anxious thoughts that are hard to come out of -AKA ruminations
  • Causes us to overspend in an effort to keep up with the Joneses

When we compare ourselves to others, we make bad decisions, or decisions that don’t necessarily serve us. We will never be able to stop comparing ourselves to other people. But we can decide if want to use these comparisons to better ourselves and move forward or bash ourselves and stay stuck.

Here are 6 Practical Ways to Get Out of the Comparison Trap.

1. Let Jealousy and envy GUIDE you. 

They’re pointing you in the right direction. 

Ever get jealous when you see someone else succeed? I know I do. It’s normal to have those feelings, but it’s what you do with them that can CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

The next time you feel JEALOUS, do this: (This reframe is a game-changer)

  • Lean into the feeling. It’s your soul telling you, “This is the kind of success YOU want for yourself.” See it as a sign that IT’S POSSIBLE for you to experience the same success.
  • Don’t shrink when someone else does something similar to what you want to do. Instead RISE and figure it out!
  • Instead of comparing, start looking at people who have what you want and ADMIRE them. Be INSPIRED by them. Teach yourself how to use that as motivation and inspiration instead of a reason to bash yourself. Let it amplify your ability to see and admire your own accomplishments, traits, goals and dreams.

2. Ask yourself what you can learn

So the next time you’re tempted to think someone else is better than you, reframe the way you’re thinking about the situation. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I admire about this person or their work?
  • What information does that person have that could be helpful to me?
  • How can I make what they do better? Or How can put my own mark on this shared thing we both do?
  • What would I ask this person if I could talk to them?
  • Stay curious. Look for opportunities to learn and you’ll start to see that other people aren’t necessarily better than you.

3. Embrace an Infinite vs Finite Mindset

It took me a long time to truly embrace the idea that there is enough success for all of us. The world is an enormous place, and there is room for everyone to succeed, be happy, and pursue their dreams. 

This is what we call an infinite mindset. It embraces abundance. 

When you are jealous of others and see them as someone you have to be better than, you are using a finite mindset. This mindset tells you that there’s not enough room for everyone to be successful. It’s a mindset of scarcity, limiting our possibilities.

When you embrace an infinite mindset, you stop looking at everyone around you as competition. You know that just because they are successful it doesn’t mean you can’t be. Just because they are beautiful doesn’t mean you are not. Just because they have what you want doesn’t mean you can’t have it.

4. Cheer for other people (AKA shift from a finite to an infinite mindset) 

I have seen first-hand that the more you cheer for other people, the faster that success and happiness will come to you. Constantly comparing ourselves to others leads to us not cheering on the people who are working hard to get somewhere. And it makes it hard to celebrate with the ones who’ve accomplished something!

So, here’s my challenge to you: When a friend tells you about her new job, be happy for her. If someone buys a new house, take part in their enthusiasm. If someone shares some great news with you, keep the focus on them instead of turning it back to yourself. Find big and small ways to celebrate other people’s accomplishments!

Their success has nothing to do with you, so celebrate their success sincerely while you keep working toward your own success.

5. Learn to compete with yourself instead of others. 

The only person you should compare yourself with is the person you were yesterday.

You have so much self-doubt that you see other people as competition. The only competition is the one that you create in your mind. It is impossible to not compare yourself to other people. 

Instead of focusing on where you are compared to others, focus on your own goals. Where are you compared to where you were at this time last year? Or five years ago?

In the past year, you’ve learned, stretched, improved, accomplished and created. Think about how much of that you’ve done in your lifetime! 

6. Unlock the power of contentment. 

Gratitude leads to contentment, which allows you to be in a state of joy and satisfaction no matter what your circumstances. Having a daily gratitude ritual through journaling, a gratitude jar, or something else will lead you to a place of knowing you are happy with where you are in life and aren’t worried about what other people are doing.

Contentment doesn’t mean you don’t have goals for the future or that you aren’t working toward being a better person tomorrow than you are today. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’re stagnant or that you’re choosing to sit around and do nothing new, exciting and challenging with your life. 

It just means that you develop a peace about your life and a sincere enjoyment about what you have today without basing all your happiness on what you hope to achieve tomorrow.

Your next step.

It’s easy to look at what everyone else is doing and achieving and think, “I’m not good enough, I should be doing more, I’m not ready, I don’t have enough, I’m failing.”

But you have no idea where other people’s starting lines were or where their finish line will be.

And you are not behind. You are exactly where you need to be. You’re not falling behind in life. There’s no one to be behind because there isn’t a race to begin with. 

Decide that today is the day you start to put in the work, show up as yourself, have the courage to pursue the things that scare the crap out of you, and stop worrying about what others are doing.  

Looking for more ways to build your confidence?

Grab your FREE Guide

The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

You don’t even notice it. It’s been happening your entire life. You’ve become complacent and simply accept it. What is it?

Accepting unsolicited advice. 

Think about a time (you won’t have to go back too far in time) when you got some unwanted advice? How did it make you feel? Do any of these feel familiar?

  • You feel insulted.
  • It feels patronizing and condescending.
  • You now underestimate your abilities.
  • You don’t trust yourself to make decisions.
  • You feel criticized and rejected.
  • You feel defensive. 

Over time, these feelings erode your confidence. Accepting unsolicited advice eventually keeps you trapped in a cycle of doubting yourself. It holds you back from doing things you want to do. You don’t believe or trust in yourself. You no longer feel capable of handling challenging situations. You question yourself constantly. 

Wait a minute!

Why are you allowing this?

I know. You’re scared of conflict. You don’t want to rock the boat. You don’t have the confidence or know-how to politely shut the advisor down. 

You need to hear this.

You do NOT have to accept unsolicited advice. You have a choice. Really!

Say that out loud, “I do NOT have to accept unsolicited advice!” 

So, what do you do instead of accepting it?

Here are 4 things you can do instead.

1. Don’t take it personally.

Easier said than done. Some people genuinely want to help you, but if they give unsolicited advice often, you can mention that part about them so they can consider toning it down. But for those other advisors who don’t have the best of intentions, you have to take control.

Take a step back and realize you are capable. To know that all this unsolicited advice isn’t about your inadequacies but about the persons ego or need for power or need to be right, makes it much less personal.

When you can be in that moment of pure frustration of getting that advice and know that it’s not about you, you have taken the power away from them. YOU are the only person in charge of your thoughts and how you feel about yourself. 

2. Be clear up front.

Know what you want to get from the conversation. If you want advice, ask for it. If you don’t want advice, say it first. For all those times you want to vent, to simply verbally process something, you need to lead the conversation with something like,

“I really need to get something off my chest. I only need you to listen. I don’t want a solution or any ideas on what I should or should not do. Think of this as a monologue.” Watch your tone. You want to be clear and firm and respectful. After all, the person is going to listen to you. When someone knows what the goal of the conversation is, it keeps all potential conflicts from even cropping up.  

3. Politely shut it down.

There are times you simply don’t see it coming.  The conversation has morphed into unsolicited advice being slung your way and you are getting annoyed and feel belittled. Now you have to manage your emotions and avoid the conflict that will come if you try to cut-off the giver of advice. First, take a deep breath and yes, kind of stop listening. Put the advisors voice in the background, like white noise, so you can get a hold of your emotions. 

You are now ready to politely shut it down. 

Say something like, “Thank you for offering an option but I’m okay with my choice.” Or “Thank you for your advice but I have a plan that works for me. I’ll ask you about it if I need your opinion in the future.”

You don’t need to apply every piece of advice you get from everyone. And you also shouldn’t let people establish superiority by imposing their opinions on you. If they’re wise, such polite but firm statements will make them realize their rudeness.

4. Indicate you’ll consider it.

If you want to avoid as much confrontation as possible, the best way to evade such an overwhelming scene is to say something non-committal like, “I’ll consider it”, or “You might be right, I’ll think about it.”

I know this kind of feels like you’re blowing them off, that’s because you are. It’s all in your tone. 

These comments should signal to them that the conversation is over. If they continue with the advice giving, try something like, “I’m done talking about that for now.” And change the subject. 

You don’t want to give them the power to further annoy you so cutting the conversation short without revealing what you’re thinking can be the best move. After thinking deeply about what they said with less emotional attachment, you can choose to ignore or apply their advice.

You get to choose who and what you listen to. You choose your thoughts. You choose who you give the power too. You choose to take back the power. By choosing NOT to accept unsolicited advice that erodes your confidence, you are choosing YOU and a healthy mindset that will propel you forward. 

Want to learn more on how to build and protect your confidence?

Grab your free guide: The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

If you take this advice, it might actually save a relationship/friendship or two.

Oh, the irony. Someone who gives advice on a personal development blog giving the advice to not give advice and then giving some more advice. Well, it has to be said. And there are better ways to helping others solve their problems.

Of course, there are different forms of advice and different situations. If your friend is asking for your advice, there’s nothing wrong with giving them advice. Even if they are coming to you with an issue in their life, sometimes, given the situation, it can be okay to give advice depending on how it’s delivered.

Here we’re talking about unsolicited advice. Giving advice when the receiver doesn’t want it or ask for it regardless, whether they “need” it or not.

5 Reasons to STOP Giving Unsolicited Advice.

1. They don’t want your advice.

This reason alone should be a good enough reason to not give someone advice. We should at least respect that. If they didn’t ask, they probably don’t want it. If they genuinely wanted our advice, they would’ve asked. A lot of times people just want to vent and just want someone to listen. They either already know what to do or there is no decision to be made.

In that case, regardless of whether they “need to hear it” or not “you should’ve or shouldn’t have done this” might not always be helpful and can, in fact, be harmful. 

Keep reading, you’ll see how harmful.

2. It assumes the other person does not have the knowledge or ability to handle the situation.

You gotta love when you tell someone you’re traveling to Europe and they respond with, “You know you should get a passport.” Wow. Really? Did I ask? Why does this person think I can’t figure that out myself?

When we tell someone what to do or what they should do, we’re unintentionally implying that we know better and that they’re emotionally or intellectually incapable of making that decision or knowing what to do in a particular situation.

It can be insulting to a lot of people if they feel as though their abilities are underestimated. And we, the almighty giver of advice, can sometimes end up looking like a fool.

Unsolicited advice is usually considered intrusive and can overstep boundaries. It can be patronizing and condescending. Giving advice can also be insensitive given certain situations. 

We, as humans, thirst for approval. When we are given unsolicited advice, we feel criticized, we take it as rejection. This can be painful for us—some more than others. Besides that, being told what to do automatically triggers defensiveness.

People don’t like being told what to do. Me included. That’s partially why I love being an entrepreneur – being my own boss. Raise your hand if you’re a fellow entrepreneur loving the journey of figuring it out and having the freedom to ask for advice when you need it!

I digress. Back to it…

Depending on the advice, we can also be implying that the person needs to be saved or fixed. They may also feel judged because their decisions that were advised against were wrong. Judging the actions and decisions that person made. No one likes to be told they’re wrong either. It’s also telling them that you know better than they do. 

3. Unsolicited advice can damage your relationships.

There are four types of social supportemotional supportesteem support, informational support, and tangible support. Informational support is just a fancy term for advice giving (not to be confused with information advice). Which types of support are more effective and least effective in supporting someone have been studied.

Regarding relationships and marriage, research on marital satisfaction and support conducted by Erika Lawrence at the University of Iowa found that too much advice (informational support) is worse than no support at all. Informational support was also the most detrimental form of support. Romantic partners want empathy, validation, and appreciation first and foremost. 

It also weakens communication. It can often end the conversation because the person feels judged and defensive.

4. Research has also found that receiving advice makes us feel less confident in ourselves and our abilities.

People are more likely to fail depending on how the advice is given. First of all, the decreased confidence can be destabilizing for those struggling with reaching their goal. 

Many people can see advice as an attack. You’re not only challenging their competency and self-efficacy but their personal freedom to figure it out themselves as well.

Traditional advice (do this, do that) helps to persuade someone to agree with you, but it barely helps them learn and grow. Someone becoming angry and upset with you is not going to help them. It can actually create more problems.

But, bearing and taking responsibility for one’s own life leads to tremendous growth.

5. Very few people will follow through and act on unsolicited advice. 

Even if it is excellent advice. Because of reactance theory, people will react with defensive defiance. Their personal freedom is being threatened, and they’ll want to make the best of their independent decision making. It stops the creative brainstorming that may lead to learning something new.

It’s kind of like what people sometimes like to call “reverse psychology.” People will do the opposite of what they’re told to do. I bet we can all think of several times in our lives when we rebelled for no other reason than someone told us what to do. 

Keep in mind, I’m someone who enjoys helping others. 

I’m conscious of when I’m giving advice. I make sure to listen. 

As part of my coach training, I was trained to not give advice but instead to support and partner with people to help them find their best answers. 

THIS. IS. HARD.

So many times, I think, I know the answer and I literally have to put my hand over my mouth to keep quiet. And then something amazing happens. This amazing person I’m coaching, finds the answer, the solution, the awareness, the aha. And you know what, that answer was NOT what I thought it was. 

I truly believe that everyone is capable of finding their best way. And if their best way is asking me for advice then I give it. 

If I have something I want to share, be it a past experience or piece of knowledge, you know what I do before I share?

I ask for permission to share. Yup. Ask for permission. 

We all have ego’s and they get the best of us. No matter our good intentions, the desire to be the hero, to save someone, to be right, only serves to feed our ego. That is not helpful to anyone. 

7 things to Do Instead of Giving Advice

1. Listen.

Just be present and really hear the person out. Listening doesn’t just involve not saying anything. It requires actively listening. If we’re in our own head waiting to say something, we’re not listening. If we have internal dialogue going on, we’re not listening.

2. Ask Questions.

Fully try to understand the situation and place yourself in that person’s position. You don’t know everything. You can’t read their mind either. Ask them how they feel about it, why they feel or think that way, what they want to happen, what they’re going to do, etc. 

People want to be acknowledged. Acknowledge their feelings, the struggle. 

Help guide them through it. Instead of taking the authoritative and dominant position of telling them what they should and shouldn’t do, help them be the ones to solve their own problems. That way when they encounter future similar issues they are better able to tackle it. 

It gives them a sense of independence and responsibility as well. It gives them the freedom to make their own decisions.

3. Show Empathy.

If it came down to just one thing to do instead of giving advice, it would be this. Even for those who wish to give advice. Empathy is essential. I can’t stress the importance of empathy enough.

In several studies, psychiatrist David Burns found, using advanced statistical techniques for distinguishing cause and effect, that a therapist’s ability to empathize is not only positively correlated with a patient’s progress but contributes to it as well. In other words, therapists’ empathy is a causation to the success of patients, not just a correlation.

Another study found that support is more likely to be effective when the person giving the support has higher empathic accuracy which is how accurate someone can understand another person’s thoughts and feelings.

4. Give Emotional Support

This type of support can also include physical support like a hug or pat on back.

Another study on support by psychologists Lorenzo, Barry, and Khalifian at the Universities of Maryland and Wyoming analyzed the differences between emotional support and informational support. They found that people who receive emotional support feel better and have higher relationship satisfaction. For most people, emotional support is their preferred support to receive. Overall, emotional support over offering and giving solutions makes couples happier. Researchers suggest to default to emotional support rather than informational support to keep the doors of communication open.

5. Show confidence in them and their judgment that they are able to do what’s best for them.

People are the experts of their own lives. Expressing confidence in them will help give them confidence in themselves. Sometimes that’s all a person needs, and they will appreciate you for that. This can also be considered esteem support and often leads people to start believing in themselves more.

Someone being able to work through a situation and make a decision on their own, especially a tough one, can really help them grow and learn. We can’t learn and grow if someone is always making decisions for us.

6. Consider your situation and past life experiences.

If we don’t completely understand or have any experience or actual researched knowledge in their situation, it’s better to just be there for comfort, validation, and emotional support. Know that you can be a really great friend without having to give any advice whatsoever.

A lot of times someone just needs someone to talk to. That’s it.

What works for you or is right for you might not work or be right for another.

7. Consider other options and viewpoints than the one you have in mind.

Know that there is not one thing we know 100% of. We all have blind spots. There might be things that you’re overlooking or haven’t considered or thought of.

What piece or pieces of all this unsolicited advice are you going to follow?

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How often do you put yourself first?

If you can’t put yourself first, first thing in the morning, then when can you?

You deserve to spend time on yourself and put your needs first for the simple fact that you exist. Believing that is the first step toward building self-worth and confidence.

One of the best ways to put yourself first is to create a Morning Routine or Ritual, where you spend time doing something just for you.

Committing to a daily morning ritual helps you build self-worth by declaring that this is your time, and you deserve to do something for yourself.

Morning routines are all the buzz on the internet and social media. 

There’s good reason for this. Morning routines are made up of rituals and set the tone for your day. Having a solid and intentional morning routine is the KEY to being happy, successful and confident.

Rituals change our brain chemistry. They signal that it’s time for something to happen. Having routines and rituals for putting our kids down at night is a perfect example.

Our kids count on taking that warm bubble bath, brushing their teeth and reading a book with us. Maybe you have a favorite saying like, “Love you to the moon and back.” Or maybe you rub their back for 5 minutes. Whatever it is, these rituals trigger your kids’ brain telling them it’s time for bed. 

So what do rituals have to do with confidence?

First, rituals are always there for us. We can pull them out whenever we need them. Mostly, we do them without even thinking about it.

Second, it is an important way of showing up for ourselves. It tells you that YOU can count on YOU. Keeping promises to ourselves is a huge confidence boost. 

Third, the ritual of NOT doing certain things is just as critical to our state of mind as the things we are doing. 

Science has shown rituals and routines have a direct impact on our confidence.

Researchers theorize that routines help focus our attention, limit distractions, help to “trigger” behaviors we’ve practiced in advance, as well as generally help us feel optimistic, energized and confident.

Having a great day starts with how you wake up. And the best way to make sure your start your day off right is by sticking to a morning routine that makes you feel empowered and in control. 

That doesn’t mean you to need to wake at 4am or block off hours of your morning. All it means is getting intentional with your time and prioritizing what YOU need in order to have a successful day.

Start with one of these 5 rituals that I practice every morning. Give it 30 days and then add in another. Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to do them all at once.

1. Self Before Cell

At night, put your phone across the room or better yet in another room. You’ll be less tempted to look at it in the middle of the night. 

Now, commit to not looking at it for the first 30 minutes of your day. That’s right. Think about it this way: would you let 100 people into your bedroom first thing in the morning? What about 1,000? 

That’s essentially what you’re doing when you’re checking emails or scrolling through social media first thing every day. You’re letting everyone else, and their needs come first. 

You’re also looking at everyone’s perfect vacations, cute puppy dogs, perfect friends and family and now you feel like garbage about your life. 

Now your day is defined by that instead of how you are actually feeling when you wake up. 

You deserve a few minutes every morning before you let the world in that’s just for you.

2. Start by making your bed every morning.

Yes, I make my bed even when I’m at a hotel. When you make your bed in the morning it will automatically make you feel productive since you just completed something. And doesn’t it look nice?! You can throw your covers over the wrinkled sheets, it doesn’t have to be perfect. 

One small task can make a huge difference in making you feel more confident to start your day.

3. Morning Journal

Get present, journal and plan your day.

Ask yourself these 3 questions, it will help you set an inspired intention for the day.

  • What’s one thing you want to work on today that matters to you?
  • Who are you going to be today?
  • What are 3 things I’m grateful for that occurred in the last few days.

They can be small (how someone smiled at you in the grocery store), big (a promotion), or anything that comes to mind. As you think of each of these things, notice how the joy feels in your body as you reflect on your gratitude. 

4. Care for your body

There are a number of things you can do to help your body wake up in the morning. If our bodies aren’t on board, it’s hard to get our day started with confidence. First, drink at least 8 ounces of water. By hydrating first thing in the morning, especially upon waking up dehydrated, we can reduce hunger throughout the day and reduce the potential onset of headaches. Next, do some gentle stretching. It only needs to take 5-10 minutes. This will help increase flexibility, improve mobility, and also flush out toxins. 

5. High Five Yourself

Life is hard enough, so stop being so hard on yourself. If you want the life you dream about, you HAVE to be your own greatest cheerleader.

You’ve been talking to yourself negatively for so long, and it’s gotten you nowhere. It’s impossible to grow and push yourself if your inner voice is telling you you’re not good enough. 

You weren’t born doubting yourself. Life did that to you. And if your brain can learn how to criticize, it can learn how to cheer.

So, what’s the easiest way to start cheering for yourself? Give yourself a high five every time you pass a mirror.

It’s going to feel silly at first – but trust me. It’s shockingly powerful. It creates positive change at the neural pathway level of your brain. I can almost guarantee you will start to feel a difference in your mood, your attitude, and your energy.

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 The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

Ever feel like it takes you forever to get things done? You’re working hard, but you easily spend all day working on something that you could’ve gotten done in a couple hours. I mean, you know that other people would have done it much faster than you.

Sooooo frustrating, right?

What the heck is going on?

I started keeping notes from my clients sessions and found the ONE thing that slooowwws them down is not being able to get “unstuck” when they hit a roadblock. 

Couple that with the ability to hyperfocus and you are stuck for a looooong time.

Hyperfocus refers to an intense fixation on an interest or activity for an extended period of time. People who experience hyperfocus often become so engrossed they block out the world around them. If you have ADHD you’ve probably experienced hyperfocus when working intently on things that interest you.

At its best, hyperfocus is what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “flow” — a state of mind in which you are so immersed in a task that you become (not to sound too far out) one with it. PET scans have shown that the hyperfocusing brain literally “lights up” with activity and pleasure.

At its worst, hyperfocus becomes a trance-like state in which you do the same pointless act over and over again. A student who creates flash cards for an upcoming test, for instance, may spend hours decorating them instead of studying. With hyperfocus, you can easily lose all sense of time and perspective.

Staying stuck has its consequences. 

Physically you may experience your muscles tightening or getting a headache. 

It stresses you out. You become frustrated.

This all zaps your confidence and you tell yourself you’ll never be able to get anything done. And we know where that leads. In the future, you use this as the reason to not even bother getting started. Yikes!

The trick is to have a system in place for when you get stuck. Ahhh, but you cannot get unstuck if you are hyper-focused on a problem.

Two things that will speed up your productivity:

  1. Know how to keep yourself out of hyperfocus and break it if you go there.
  2. Have a doable plan to problem solve and get unstuck.

Here we go.

Let’s manage your hyperfocus. 

  • Set a timer for 20 minutes. Before you sit down to do your work, set that timer. If you get into hyperfocus, this will help break the spell. If after 20 minutes, you are not stuck yet, set it for another 20 minutes. Keep this pattern going until you are done with your work. 
  • Take short 5 minute breaks between your 20 minute sprints. 
  • Take inventory of your progress at the end of each 20 minute sprint. Have you moved forward?  Are you closer to being done? If not, what’s the problem? You’re most likely stuck.

Asking for help is one of the most courageous things you can do.

Now let’s make and use a plan to problem solve and get unstuck. 

  • Take a break. Get up, stretch, go to another room, go outside. So many times, when we go back to the problem, we can see what we need to do because we are seeing it with fresh eyes.
  • Ask for help. Who knows something about what you’re working on? A colleague? Tech support? Call them!
  • Don’t know that expert? Call someone to talk it through. When you talk through the problem the solution is likely to pop up. 
  • If you’re still stuck and your deadline isn’t looming too close, sleep on it

Ever hear of shower thoughts? It’s when we give our brains a break that we have the ability to come up with our most creative solutions. 

Getting stuck happens. Staying stuck is a choice. 

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The Habit of Self-Doubt: Crush It and Build Real Confidence

People pleasing is the desire to make other people like you. That’s why you put yourself second, because you think people will like you better if you put them first.

People pleasing is a habit grounded in fear of rejection, of disappointing others and keeps you stuck in the exhausting cycle of trying to silence your inner critic of not feeling good enough to be loved. 

We people please for many reasons. 

It could be a response to fear associated with a past trauma. Maybe you’ve experienced abuse and you learned it was safer to do what other people wanted and take care of their needs first. By people- pleasing, you made yourself likable, and therefore safe.

Or it could be self-esteem issues. Maybe when you were younger you learned that your value comes from what you do for others. This will probably play on repeat throughout your life unless you work to undo the message.

Or it could be fear of rejection. If your parent offered you approval and love based largely on your behavior, you probably realized pretty quickly it was best to keep them happy. To avoid rejection in the form of criticism and punishment when you did something wrong, you learned to always do what they wanted, maybe before they even asked it of you.

Wherever it comes from, people-pleasing is damaging to you, others, and your relationships. It plays out with many negative consequences including:
  • You feel frustrated and resentful.
  • People take advantage of you.
  • Your relationships don’t satisfy you.
  • You experience increased stress and burnout.
  • Partners and friends become frustrated with you.

Here are 6 signs you’re a people pleaser:

  1. 1. You’re terrified of disappointing people.

You might worry that telling someone “no” or turning down a request for help will make them think you don’t care about them. Agreeing to do what they want might seem like a safer option, even if you don’t actually have the time or inclination to help. 

  • 2. You feel like everything is your fault.

Are you always ready with a “sorry!” when something goes wrong? People pleasing involves readiness to take on blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with you.

  • 3. Your sense of worth comes from being needed.

People pleasers often deal with low self-esteem and draw their self-worth from the approval of others. You spend a lot of time worrying about rejection. You may think, “I am only worthy of love if I give everything to someone else.” You may believe people only care about you when you’re useful and need their praise and appreciation in order to feel good about yourself. 

  • 4. You have trouble asking for help.

You don’t want to impose or interrupt anyone else. They may think you’re not capable if you ask for help. You think it’s best to figure it out on your own

  • 5. You hate conflict and will avoid it all costs.

You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree. Agreeability often seems like a surefire way to win approval. You’re really setting yourself (and others) up for future frustration. The flaws you could have brought to light early on will eventually surface. 

  • 6. You take care of everybody else and do a lousy job of taking care of yourself.

Try to pinpoint the last time you did something just for yourself. Do you have many moments like that? If you can’t think of many (or any) instances, you could have some people-pleasing tendencies.

3 Secrets to ending the habit of people-pleasing.

  1. 1. Learn to set boundaries.

Next time someone asks for help or you tempted to intervene, consider:

  • How you feel about the action. Is it something you want to do or are you dreading it.
  • Whether you have time to see to your own needs first. Will you have to sacrifice limited free time or skip out on some necessary self-care?
  • How helping will make you feel. Will it make you feel happy or resentful?
  • 2. Wait until you’re asked to help.

No matter what the problem is, you’re always ready with a solution. You jump in with fixing everything anytime someone mentions a problem. Next time, challenge yourself to wait until someone explicitly asks for help.

  • 3. The secret to ending this pattern is learning how to be okay with other people not liking you. When you truly like yourself, you’ll no longer struggle with people pleasing.

As long as YOU like yourself, nothing else matters. 

Break the habit of people pleasing by learning to love yourself FIRST, even if that means making some people upset or even making them NOT like you. 

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I’m not going to tell you how amazing it is to start over or how freeing it feels do something that makes you nervous and doubt yourself. If you’re looking for that you can stop reading.

But if you’re still with me, let me ask you this:

How are you stopping yourself from moving forward?

Signing up for a barre exercise class felt like doing something for the first time for me. It wasn’t. I did barre for years, before the world stopped turning. But returning to that practice made me a beginner again. And I had all the icky feelings of not feeling like enough, doubting I could even get through a class without passing out, and fearing everyone judging me. 

We hate being a beginner. Our habit brains set us up to stay stuck in the fear. Here are two things you can do to move past the fear and start again.

1. Embrace being a beginner, don’t resist it.

I don’t know about you, but I like doing things I’m good at. It’s why I don’t try new things often enough. But when your life gets shaken up, you become a beginner again.

When you embrace the change, you grow. Resist it and your life gets smaller.

Maybe it’s going back to the office or seeing an old group of friends. Maybe it’s exercise, like me.

Whatever is hard for you now will become easier over time.

You may have heard me say that once you start doing the thing that scares you, the fear fades. Let me add this: sometimes it takes a while to fade.

Wherever you are facing a new beginning or getting back to something you love in life, give yourself some grace. It’s normal to be nervous and to doubt yourself. But please, start. Action is the most effective way to eventually moving past the fear. 

2. Affirm yourself, don’t doubt yourself.

One of the most common ways we doubt ourselves is to ask the wrong questions. Wrong questions are disempowering. They immediately change our subconscious thought patterns from positive to negative, or vice versa. They are powerful.

Question: Why can’t I lost weight?
Answer: Because you’re a pig.

Question: Why can’t I do things right?
Answer: Because you’re not smart!

Question: Why am I so broke?
Answer: Because you’re a loser.

Ask a bad question and you’ll get a bad answer. This is how our subconscious mind works. Because the conscious mind programs the subconscious. You can take charge.

Good questions lead to productive answers:

What are the top two things I can do to lose weight?

What is a better way to do this?

What are three things I can do to increase my cashflow?

Asking the right question is empowering.

With the right mindset you can do anything.

What are you going to do now?

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I once heard a powerful line that always stuck with me:

There is NOTHING you can do to either increase OR decrease your worthiness as a human.

No amount of success, money in your account, or Instagram following will make you more worthy! AND no amount of failure, missed job promotions, or unprofitable ventures will take away from your value. You are good enough, you are valuable, and you are so worthy!

It’s BECAUSE you are worthy, you’re able to accomplish and enjoy wonderful things and shine your light into the world.

I see the sense of “unworthiness” play into so many people’s lives. We are taught to believe that we have to earn everything, and if we don’t get what we are truly after, it’s because we aren’t “enough.”

Can you relate? This is an insane, vicious cycle that ultimately leads us to self-loathing, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, apathy, and sadness.

The truth about unworthiness is that it simply isn’t real. There are no qualities or characteristics about you that exclude you from any said things that you desire in life. It’s simply a limited way of thinking, which excuses you from really putting both feet forward and going for what you want in life.

I believe we tend to fall into unworthiness as a way to bypass some of the major feelings that we have about ourselves, mostly our inability to really love ourselves. Think about it, if we loved ourselves in a full and complete way, we would always think that we could live the life and have the things that we deeply want, right?

Your ability to achieve your desires has nothing to do with your worthiness and everything to do with your thoughts, actions, and beliefs.

I encourage you to start the journey of banishing any unworthy sentiments you have about yourself. You were given this exact life for a reason. None of it has anything to do with whether you were worthy of it or not.

We all have the capability to do the things we want to do, to be the people we want to be, and to create the lives we wish to live. However, it starts with us, and cleaning up the way we think about ourselves.

There is NOTHING you can do to either increase OR decrease your worthiness as a human.

It’s time to sit down and list all the things that make you feel less than, or unworthy. 

I am not unworthy because…

  • I hear others make more money than me,
  •  I fail,
  • I quit the thing that was no longer serving me,
  • I’m having tech issues
  • Someone says something mean to me
  • Someone gives me advice on how to do better

Keep this list on your phone or post it on your mirror or fridge to remind yourself that situations and outcomes do not determine your worthiness. 

I hope this practice helps you release any of the feelings that might be holding you back from the things you truly desire in life. I want you to know that you are worthy of your authentic dreams, desires and goals, and that it is possible for you. Please remember this, always.

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